You know, I've always had a soft spot for the Royal Rumble. It's like watching the Vegas Golden Knights go on an East Coast trip (against the Rangers?) and absolutely dominate. It's refreshing, it's fun, and everyone loves living in suspense about who will go to Wrestlemania.
But I guarantee you that every Golden Knights star would look like John Cena in this pick. They would have the shocked look of horror on their faces, wondering if they're ready to be eliminated.
I guarantee you that plenty of people in Toronto, Edmonton, and San Jose would get a kick out of that look. The Pleasanton bellhops would get their extremities hardened before writing five paragraphs about the Golden Knights' downfall. The Mitch Marner haters would cry into their 1967 Stanley Cup banners, hatewatching the former "Core Four" member being eliminated.
So let's have a little fun with this since the Royal Rumble is happening. We're picking five Golden Knights to send to the Royal Rumble with the hopes of main-eventing Wrestlemania hanging in the balance. Here's how each selected Golden Knight would do in the big event.
Mark Stone
The Captain would likely injure his back or his spleen mid-match. The referee would have to hold up the X sign, signaling that he's been injured. Then, he'd be eliminated by Gunther because the Ring General retires almost everyone from pro wrestling competition.
After that, Stone angers the hockey world by going on LTIR. Sending the Winnipeg native to the Royal Rumble was a ploy by Kelly McCrimmon all along to create cap space for Jason Robertson and Connor Hellebuyck.
Wouldn't that be hilarious, Golden Knights fans? As if the 31 other fan bases didn't need a reason to hate Vegas already.
Tomas Hertl
Hertl's actually a big boy, standing at 6'3" and weighing 220 lbs. He'd eliminate four guys by using his lower half before being eliminated himself.
Still, I can see the former San Jose Shark being in the final four for the Royal Rumble. He's a big dude who can do serious damage. His gimmick? Fun Must Be Always, as it should be.
Adin Hill
Hill would be the quickest Royal Rumble elimination ever, getting sent over the top rope in under one second. Then, he'd get a low blow for no reason at all.
Man, life can unfair to some. That's the case for Hill, who's dealt with injuries and underachieving play through the 2025-26 season.
Mitch Marner
Mitch Marner would probably eliminate a smaller guy like Rey Mysterio first. Then, he'd be eliminated by Oba Femi, much to the delight of Toronto Maple Leafs fans everywhere.
To all of Canada, he's the biggest heel since Shawn Michaels. But to Las Vegas, he's an unsung hero. Time to give the man his flowers and respect the Olympian's game.
Braeden Bowman
Bowman would be the Golden Knight who has the breakout performance at the Royal Rumble. He'd eliminate five straight guys and show that he's ready for the big push. The end result is the undrafted rookie being eliminated himself, of course.
Still, it wouldn't surprise me if Bowman won the event and became a superstar. He'd be like Stone, except the referee wouldn't throw up an X to signify that he's injured.