Let's be honest for a second, folks. The Pacific Division stinks. Every team has a negative goal differential and nobody seems keen on winning. Hey, that should be good news for the Vegas Golden Knights, who've racked up overtime loss after overtime loss, right?
Surprisingly, the Pacific Division has five teams currently in a playoff position. That consists of the Golden Knights (46 points), the Edmonton Oilers (46 points), the Anaheim Ducks (45 points), the Seattle Kraken (43 points), and the Los Angeles Kings (43 points). But why is this the case if the division is supposedly mediocre?
Well, the Central Division has three big dogs. That consists of the Colorado Avalanche (69 points, nice), the Dallas Stars (58 points), and the Minnesota Wild (58 points). After that, it's a race of teams out of playoff position, including the Nashville Predators, the St. Louis Blues, and the Utah Mammoth.
But let's do a comedy roast on Fremon Street, shall we? It's time to lay into all the Pacific Division teams based on how they smell. Plug your noses because we're going into this like a dumpster dive.
1.) Vegas Golden Knights: Cigarettes and shame on Fremont Street
For all the potential this team had this season, they're the equivalent of a 75-year-old that's horribly aged while looking like a washed version of Steven Tyler. You can smell this cigarette smell at El Cortez, all the way to the sports book. But they'd tell you that they were something else back in the day in a raspy, deep voice. If only the roster construction wasn't top-heavy...
2.) Edmonton Oilers: Excess gasoline on your hands
Have you ever pumped gas and got extra gas residue on your hands? That's the smell that you can associate with the Edmonton Oilers. Sure, North America needs its oil and petroleum like the Oilers need Connor McDavid and Leon Draisaitl. But the smell burns your nostrils and doesn't go away.
3.) Anaheim Ducks: Puke and rotten food from the Disneyland trash cans
Are the Ducks trending back to the mean? It seems that way as Anaheim has lost five straight games entering Monday. Suddenly, they've fallen to third place with teams like Seattle and Los Angeles gaining on them. That smell you smell is coming from the Disneyland trash cans, where you smell rotting churros with childrens' barf.
4.) Los Angeles Kings: A man who hasn't washed himself for over a year
You know that smell. You come across someone who hasn't touched Axe Deodorant since the Pre-COVID days. In turn, they smell like an anime convention. That's essentially what the Kings are right now. But hey, Anze Kopitar's back!
5.) Seattle Kraken: Microwaved month-old salmon
While the Kraken are coming around like their only Winter Classic appearance, their offensive structure is like someone setting off a salmon-smell bomb in the office. Everyone knows that putrid stench, especially if it's been in the fridge for over a month.
6.) San Jose Sharks: A baby's poopy diaper
Parents know this smell all too well. They know when it's time to change the little one and remove the diaper. The problem is that you're left with a brown-yellowish bomb in their diapers, leaving you to literally gag. That's the state of the baby Sharks, who are still growing into their Stanley Cup-aspiring roster.
7.) Calgary Flames: Ear fungus
You're scratching behind the ear and you notice a Parmesan cheese-esque smell. You give it one more smell and you realize that your ear is coated in a slimy film. Maybe it's sweat. Maybe it's a fungus. Who knows?
Whatever the case, this is what the Calgary Flames are. Instead of striving for Gavin McKenna's services, they're trying to be the NHL's proverbial fungus behind the ear.
Yep. Sounds (and smells!) about right.
8.) Vancouver Canucks: An unflushed toilet
Gee, it's no wonder Quinn Hughes was traded out of town. He was depressed about smelling someone else's bodily functions after a crazy Saturday night. Alas, there's nothing more that you can describe the Canucks with than this.